About Me

I am 29 years into the journey... I have wondered most of those years. At 16 my parents called it quits. I was for sure wandering blind on that situation. I entered a difficult step mom situation. Tried to handle the adult world all on my own at 18 and that failed. Met someone that promised the moon and soon found out there are no rainbows in the dark. At the very young age of 20, I brought my daughter into my dysfunctional world. I wandered through a difficult situation, dark times, pregnancy alone... Attempting to find my way, I wandered through design school. Landing my first "big girl" job, I ended the difficult relationship. Thus entering my single mom era. Trials were had in this era! Health issues, co-parenting, financial struggle, loneliness, impossible dating... Truly wondering. I ask God one night to direct my path... next thing I know I am sitting in this handsome man's kitchen. He made me the worst steak of my life... however, I married him - in a whirlwind romance - 3 weeks later. Yes, 3 weeks. In this process I gained 2 bonus babies. Step children if you aren't familiar with the "bonus" term. My husband's son is in another state and we don't speak as often as we wish. In his teenage years he is wandering on his own, navigating early adulthood. I also gained a step daughter. My husband and I have matching girls... both currently 8. Think twins but no biological bond. We are still adjusting 4 1/2 years later. We had job promotions, moving at least 5 times. I should be an expert packer at this point. We added our feral little boy who is currently 3. I am feeling every bit of the 3 year old stage. Mama needs a nap. My husband had a dream to build his own company. Almost 2 years into that wander.. again Mama needs a nap. So to recap; we are blended 3 different ways. yes, 3 different schedules, 3 different parents... think dumpster fire. 

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Ok, now that we have all of that settled.

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I began to realize around 25 that I had no clue who I was. I was wandering around being a mom and a wife... but inside my world wasn't complete. I was a shell serving my family. Negativity followed me around. I was over critical of myself. EXHAUSTED. I said, "no more." 

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I spent a year studying how to speak to myself. Sometimes the only person tearing you down is yourself in your thoughts. Yuck! So for a year, I practiced being kind to myself. I am kind to friends, my children, my husband most of the time... why not myself I wondered? 

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One day I prayed to God, about 6 months ago - He and I are pretty tight - I was unhappy with life. Baby mamas, baby daddies, car trouble, feral toddler... as I was trying to jump my car... I prayed, "God there has to be a better way to think of things... a better prospective... there has to be some peace here. We sing about peace in the storm and I'm just out here getting rained on... and I am salty God. Give me a better prospective!" I would be lying if I said I didn't ask him for new car and a trash can to toss the rest of my problems.

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Be careful what you ask God... here He came... 

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The last 6 months have been hell. Pure hell... I've yelled, screamed, thrown a fit similar to my toddlers... LORD! I ask for things to get better!!!!! You just flooded my valley man. I think I heard Him call me a "silly child." 

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Seeds were planted as I threw tantrums, seeds were watered as I felt I was drowning... I am currently in the storm. Let me tell you though... flowers are coming. I am learning to dance in the waves. 

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I wish I could tell you that I am 100% at peace and fabulous... that everything worked out and OMG I'm an amazing person. HAHA! Learning every day... taking it day by day. 

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God called me to share my wondering. To wonder with you. So here I am... I am happy to share the knowledge I have gained through therapy, self-construction, podcast listening, etc. Because you too may be wondering. We don't have to do that alone. 

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JW