Romanticizing Life

 Consistency is not an art I am well versed in. I cling to the art that can be manipulated in its own time to perfection. A free thinking peace that rides the breeze. I reason with the wind, in this season of life, frequently. I am ever changing, participating in raging storms sometimes, aggressive at times, gentle at times... I will be 29 this year. I find an overwhelming pressure to have everything figured out by the next year. Slowly, I acknowledge that on my death bed, far down the road, I will still be trying to figure everything out. Or maybe, I will have found a way to give up the control I crave to truly ride the breeze as God intended us to. 

Turmoil.. a word that could be used to describe the depths of my soul and the shadows of my brain... Who are you? What are you doing? I get onto my children for asking the same questions... and here my brain is begging the questions with every waking breath. It's exhausting.. suffocating at times. deafening in others. I can't live this way anymore. Those words are heavy. Boy does ending it all sound fabulous. Floating in space. Weightless... the amount of pressure that I feel suddenly lifted. Relief... I romanticize the feeling of everything ending in a moment. Don't worry I am medicated and in therapy! 

Three beautiful human beings, annoying as they may be, stare me in the face. The thoughts of who would kiss their booboos or hold them when they are scared always follow the ending thoughts. Beginning a new thought much more powerful then the last. How do I get relief on earth? In this life? Because the truth is there are a lot of people in line that love my babies. No doubt they would be well loved and taken care of in my absence. But no one will ever love them like my momma heart does. That is a fact. So it's settled... We can't leave. That certainly takes the romantics out of death. So now the question is... How do you romanticize life? living? 

Romanticizing... the word seems whimsical right? What does it mean? 

-a movement in the arts and literature that originated in the late 18th century, emphasizing inspiration, subjectivity, and the primacy of the individual. 

-the celebration of the individual and the glorification of nature. More specifically, Romantics embrace the uniqueness of the human spirit, which they feel is reflected in and deeply connected to the untamed wildness of nature.

No wonder I love it... it's an art thing! 

Aren't words beautiful? "untamed wildness of nature." Wow... 

Ok back to the question at hand? How to romanticize life now? First things that come to mind are I'm drowning in debt and dirty diapers... Not glamorous.. The laundry isn't glamorous... So that is the question I need to focus on because I do not know the answer yet. 

One thing I do know is art. When painting a picture, sometimes, mistakes are made. a line is too long, a shape is a little off, something too dark, something too light... It is in some of these mistakes, I have made my best work... What a thought when it's applied to life? A thought that brings joy and hope. I am my masters best work... through little mistakes and darkness and light.. He is making his best work. 

It is also in art, that control ruins pieces sometimes. There is fun and freedom in the mistakes of an art piece. It's in the mistakes that beauty enters the picture. How interesting that God calls us to give up control? Almost like He knows we can make masterpieces when we do? 

It is in art that I am at most peace. Which through therapy, I know if my core self. The person I am meant to be. Referencing Internal Family Systems. 

As my grandma use to say, "there that's settled then."